(Reviewed by Slaughterhouserock) - There's all sorts of different types of cheese out there, and when looking for a horror film, I try to find either the best or the worst.  I just like extremes I guess.  Normally I'll expect a film to be something along the lines of blue cheese...moldy, strange looking, and leaves an odd taste in my mouth.  But sometimes I get lucky and find myself a nice piece of aged cheddar.  What's really great is when I pay for blue cheese and get aged cheddar.  This is one of those times.

Unlike the other Fangoria films that have come out thus far, this film is fucking amazing.  Their other films were ok, but this one got me excited and kept me excited all the way through to the credits.  It's about a family who's taking a vacation and get a flat tire.  Dad stops at a store down the road and the nice lady there invites him and his family over to her place since no repair place is open.  Here we meet her family.

First up is the Sergeon General.  He looks like a fucked up version of Trap Jaw from He-Man.  He's got a beartrap for a mouth, goggles over his eyes and looks to be somewhat burned ala Freddy.  His weapon of choice is a nifty looking knife that I plan on searching around to see if I can't get one.  Next is Plates.  Plates is played by Warwick Davis, and this has to be my second favorite role I've seen him play.  He's an insane little guy who's obsessed with plates which he throws at people.  Then there's Brain.  Yup, he's got a huge brain which extends outside of his skull....if he has one.  And the old woman is Granny.  She's just a nice old lady...with a hole in the back of her head in which she pumps blood from dead people into herself.  There's also the Creator, but I'll get to him in a bit.

The film starts off kinda bumpy, but it straightens out nicely once the actually storyline gets going.  The opening scene shows Trap Jaw killing some old guy after a little car chase very similar to the one in TCM2.  After the car flips, he smashes the car for a couple minutes for reasons I have yet to figure out.  Not a great intro, but it gets better...trust me.

From here we meet Tina and her family.  Tina is the main character and the family is just there to die.  After being invited over to Granny's, Trap Jaw proceeds to kill them all, but Brain asks Granny if he can keep Tina.  She lets him, but only after TJ cuts her little brother in half...length-wise.  They put Tina in a room covered in newspapers.  The walls, the floor, even the window.  They use odd camera angles that give the room a strange Alice in Wonderland feel to it.  I don't really know how else to explain it really, but it looks neat.

After Brain(who's actually named Brian) comes in and offers her soup and money(I didn't figure that out either), Tina finds a trapdoor under the newspapers.  This leads to a tunnel that apparently connects to the whole town.  She falls into a room where there's a tv playing her family's home movies and as she's climbing back out, she sees her dad's severed head.  She then pukes onto the camera.  Yup, right on the camera.  Good stuff.  The next door she goes through leads to the store Granny owns.  Here we meet The Ancient Ones.

The Ancient Ones are a group of bikers in their 60's and 70's who stopped for some coffee before heading out to wherever.  One of the guys stays to hit on Granny when Tina runs out and asks him for help.  He doesn't believe her...until TJ comes outta nowhere and kills him.  Later, the A.O.'s come back to look for their buddy and find his bloody jacket on the ground.  One of the guys then proclaims "this means war."  But I guess it takes awhile for old people to get ready to fight, because they don't do anything for about another half hour or so into the film.

*WARNING: Spoilers follow*

After getting berrated by Granny for not looking after Tina, Brain decides to take Tina out for a picnic.  Here he tells her of The Creator.  Apparently, this Creator guy made all of them.  It doesn't go into any details, but they think of him as a father figure.  Brain's a sensitive guy and Tina tries to play on his emotions, asking him to leave with her.  He thinks about it and has a little daydream in which he streaks down a city's streets ala Terror Firmer.  Yes, his wang is flapping in the breeze and yes, there's lots of people around.  I love this stuff.  He snaps out of it and instead tells Tina how to drive a motorcycle.  Why would he do this?  To set her up for a part later in the film of course.  This is the only badly done part of the film as I see it.  There was no trying to be creative about it, they just simply had him explain how to drive a motorcyle.  Oh well, nothing's perfect.

Now there's mention of a wedding, but for some reason, they tie Tina to the front of their car and drive off to kill some drunks.  Make sense?  No, but in a film like this, who cares?  They kill of the drunks without a hitch and leave one alive for Tina.  This is her right of passage into the family.  While TJ brings Tina over, Plates explains to the guy they are about to kill the philosophy of plates.  It's quite interesting, but pure insanity.  When Tina gets there, Plates keeps saying "touch him, touch him" and starts to dance around in a way that would make Ralphus proud.  They put some dirt in her hand and make her pour it into the guy's mouth, killing him.  Now it's time to end this.

Here's where Tina turns things around on Brain.  She tells him she understands now and that everything will be ok.  Then she rips out a chunk of his brain which splits open, pouring out alphabet blocks(you know those blocks with the letters on the sides).  They "crawl" over to her and spell out LOVE so she steps on them and when she takes her foot off, they spell HATE.  Now the eldery come to kick some ass.

It's a short fight, and all the old people die except the scrawniest man and the only lady.  The lady tells Shakes(the guy) to kill Plates who's the only one there.  He takes off his shirt and goes after him.  After a short display of plate throwing, Shakes beats the shit outta Plates and proceeds to rip his head off.  After this, he and the lady walk off.  Guess they figured he was the only one worth killing.

Tina watches the fight then looks around.  After a few minutes, she finds the Creator.  The Creator is a muscle man wearing boxers that say "DYNO-MITE!!" and doesn't have a head, yet can still talk.  The body constantly just poses while talking to Tina.  After Tina kills Granny in a not so great way(though her body melting was pretty neat), the Creator shows himself to her.  His chest opens up and out pops a little head with tentacles on it.  It kinda reminded me of Belial, but not claymation.  Tina finds a way to kill the body, then TJ comes along.  Where the hell has he been?  I wish I knew.  He goes after Tina, but Octobaby(the head) jumps on her.  She shoves the little guy into TJ's mouth causing it to die and TJ to fall into some electrical wires.

It's not over yet.  Tina goes over to the body of the Creator and lifts his boxers revealing...dynomite.  Guess it wasn't just a catchy phrase.  She uses the dynomite to blow up TJ and the building.  After the "back from the dead" scene that's in all horror films, Tina rides off on a motorcycle.  For some reason, she stops at the Sheriff's office to tell him what's going on even though everyone is dead.  And guess what?  He's in on it too.  Now for the scream of all screams.  When Tina starts screaming, the credits roll.  And she doesn't stop screaming until the credits are done.  Now that's a fucking lot of screaming.

I went into this expecting the run of the mill cheesy horror flick, but I got so much more instead.  The gore was good, the acting was perfect for the characters(special mention goes to Warwick Davis who is fucking awesome), and the costume design is great.  This is a film who's cover is most definitely not misleading.  If you're looking for some good cheese and can only find mediocre stuff, this film is for you.  I give it a 4 outta 5.  Best damn cheese I've seen in ages.