A naked Ta Ta caught in a horror film is such a treat to the film, that it can even overcome the straight awfulness the picture is otherwise.  Is it immature?  Sure, but when you’re a young boy growing up on schlock like these, you wind up with very fond memories, and often a basis for comparison when every new boob flashed on screen.  And it is excellent.  Some movies are already great to begin with, many never even need nudity, but sometimes it’s just appropriate.  When a severed head is trying to figure out what it’s going to do while it lasts, it makes sense that it would be to ogle a pair of perfect breasts (I know I would!), or adds to the seductiveness of the story (often a vampire story), sometimes it adds to the shock or the eeriness of voyeurism.  Some breasts are small, some are big, a lot are embarrassingly fake, but in horror they have a comfortable snuggy warm home.  Here’s a tour of the Ta Ta’s that either made me a happy young horror fan, or just makes me say “wow” when they’re unleashed. 

20. Barbara Steele – Long Hair Of Death

The legendary Barbara Steele is known to only have one nude scene in a movie (technically, she was nude in Shivers, but she doesn’t show anything) and that film was Long Hair Of Death, a movie about witch accusation and bringing them to death.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a hold of a still of her actual nude scene from the movie (without joining and paying for certain sites anyway) so I pulled up a nude modeling pic of her to go along with it all to get an idea of the bountiful Ta Tas.  Pure un-siliconed age of bare boobies.

19. Lisa Bonet – Angel Heart

Not a large set, but still tantalizing knowing that she was the eldest of the Cosby kids, and was so purty to go along with it.  Creamy mocha skin that is shown fairly often, and often under Mickey Rourke, it must be hard for Robert DeNiro’s ego knowing that one of the Cosby kids taking her top off rivals your own performance of playing Lucifer.

18.  Johanna Lebovitz – Bad Moon

What a memorable opener!  Cheesy dialogue, an obvious jungle set, but when Johanna talks Michael Parr to get into that tent so she can ride him while a werewolf stalks outside more than makes up for it.  Yes, her taking a ride while her shirt is undone is greater than a werewolf tearing people up outside the tent.  How could the slaughter not be heard?  I don’t fucking know, if I was Michael Parr in that situation, I’d have a hard time noticing anything going on beyond five feet of me too. 

17.  Izabella Miko – The Forsaken

A  beautiful doll this woman is, and to have her naked during the opening title bathing blood off of her was mysteriously intriguing.  Plus, her chest is bare again later on, without being covered in blood.  One of the more overlooked yet decent vampire movies of this decade, Izabella and her cuddleable Ta Ta’s were angelic in an otherwise very red, wet, and noisy movie.

16.  Melinda Clarke – Return Of The Living Dead III

This smoking hot redhead was the only thing worth watching in this otherwise Dead Alive (aka Braindead) wannabe movie.  Heart thumping while she’s alive and bed romping early on in the film, and ass kickingly sexy when she’s zombie-punked out wearing only shreds of clothing. 

15. Julie Brown – Bloody Birthday

Miss Julie Brown, who later went on to storm MTV had an early spot on this fairly crummy evil kid flick about three preteens going on a killing spree just because they have a birthday coming up.  Or something like that.  I’ve seen in many times, and the plot still sounds dumb, but I get two points of enjoyment out of it: 1. I like arguing with its stupidity.  2. Julie Brown has a few scenes where she dances around while changing cloths, and her little sister charges her friends to watch through a peep hole.  Wonderful pair she sports, I’d have paid double the peep charge.

14. Blanchard Ryan – Open Water

I think my appeal to this naked wonder is that figure-wise, she’s more down to earth.  A flawless set, in my opinion, and very unique in this generation as too much new nude breasts are obviously plastic.  This is one time I can say the nudity added to the movie, giving a sense of comfort early on in the story before they are thrown to the sharks…so to speak.  I like her groomed bush too.

13. Uschi Digard - She Wolf Of The SS/Beauties & The Beast

Uschi was a volumptuous babe often naked in Russ Meyer movies, but she managed to squeeze in some horror flicks among them.  Couldn’t quite snag a decent pic from Beauties & The Beast, but  in She Wolf Of The SS her bountiful Ta Tas are on full display, even if it’s a bit of a harsh scene.  Probably would be higher on the list had her horror scenes rivaled the greatness of the other Meyer type movies she’d done, but there was no way this busty sex pot was being left off.

12. Marianne Morris – Vampyres

Vampyres is like the Mulholland Drive of vampire movies, only came out in the early seventies.  Hot lesbian vampires disrobing and groping each other.  Young boy’s dream caught on film, and rarely any better.  And more convincing than Lesbian porn.  Marianne is just one half of the luscious vampresses, and just typing about her and this film makes me wonder why I haven’t bought it on DVD yet.  Shame on me.

11. Elisabeth Brooks – The Howling

This nekkid being drove me nuts when I was a young lad, it was a perfectly sculpted female body bathed in campfire light.  I don’t care if she wound up hairy within a few minutes, she would’ve been hard to resist (although, if I were married to Dee Wallace, I would’ve had stronger will power, but let’s go with the flow here).  As Marsha Quist, she welcomes a newly blooded werewolf into her naked loving arms away from his wife, and takes advantage of his attraction to her.  Because she’s a nympho.  And gets whatever she wants.

10. Anulka Dziubinska – Vampyres

The other steamy half of the vampy lesbians in Vampyres.  So hot, she was also a Playboy centerfold, and this film displays her at her nymphy finest.  She prances around often topless with her perfect golden hair, and is not shy about groping her delicious costar, Marrianne Morris.  My pants are getting uncomfortable just thinking about this movie.  Seriously, why don’t I own this and not have the nude scenes wore out already?  The internet can only be so generous. 

9. Monica Bellucci – Bram Stoker’s Dracula/Brotherhood Of The Wolf

She’s done better nude scenes, but outside of horror. This woman is the perfect package, and seems to only get better with age, somehow.  Dark hair, dark eyes, and a va va voom curvy figure with a most bountiful pair of Ta Tas, with a wonderful ass to boot.  In Dracula, she caught my attention very young as one of Dracula’s brides sprouting topless up between Jonathan Harker’s legs (only to start feeding on him), and for once in my life I actually wished I was Keanu Reeves.  In Brotherhood Of The Wolf, she plays a mistress that seems to know more about the beast’s activities than she possibly lets on, and does a wonderful job calming our heros down with some of the prettiest lingerie on screen and ass shots.

8.  Alyssa Milano – Embrace of The Vampire

Another virtually perfect woman, and when I found out Tony Danza’s daughter on Who’s The Boss grew up and got naked, I hurried out to rent this flick and my heart pitter pattered all over the place.  I don’t remember a damn thing about the film, just the constant display of Miss Alyssa’s chest and occasional beautifully groomed bush (blink and you may miss it).  Do the makers of this movie even remember anything about the story?

7. Natasha Henstridge – Species

I didn’t know what I was walking into when I went to see this in theatres, but when I left, all I can think about was the beautiful creature that was Natasha Henstridge.  In a movie about an achingly beautiful alien just trying to get laid, and somehow it was a problem (I’d have happily volunteered, I was healthy!), I still tend to shut off my brain a little when revisiting the movie just so I can comfortably watch Sil try to breed.  Eventually she picks Alfred Molina.  Yes, ALFRED MOLINA.  Meh, I’d still hit it.

6. Sherilyn Fenn – The Wraith/Meridian/Boxing Helena

A gorgeous doll of a woman, and luckily she isn’t shy about taking her cloths off.  A glorious pair she sports, and in Boxing Helena, arguably her most gorgeous, she frames her perfect set o Ta Tas with flowing rusty hair while Julian Sands lusts after her on a regular basis.  In The Wraith, it’s easy to see why Packard was so quick to get violent with any man that seemed to flirt with her, let alone look at her, but of course that doesn’t stop Charlie Sheen (’cause he’s Charlie Sheen, yo) from make’n it with her in a hot spring.  I never saw Meridian, but I understand she’s naked in that too.

5. Barbara Crampton – Re-Animator/From Beyond

One of the great horror queens of all time.  Innocent sex appeal, and fearless with full frontal nudity.  Extra kudos to allowing yourself to be filmed with a severed head trying to stick his tongue in your cootch while you’re completely naked.  Barbara Crampton is a goddess.  I can see why Dan Cain found it worthwhile to try and “reanimate” her at the end.  In From Beyond, she changes into a sexy leather outfit while attempting to ride Jeffery Combs.  Sure, she’s become a little whacked out of her mind at that point in the movie, revealing herself as a sexy scientist turned hot leather sporter.  Crampton is a classic for the ages, and would’ve been criminal to leave her off the list.

4.  Julianna Guill – Friday The 13^th (2009)

In a decade littered with horrible fake breasts (you can even reference that dark haired chick early on in this movie for horrible fake titties), I get these realistic (looking, I don’t know if they’re confirmed real or not) beautiful knockers gracing the screen, while riding the uber douche of the movie (and no, not producer Michael Bay).  Trent makes blunt statements that are suppose to be seen as horrible attempts at compliments, but they are remarkably accurate, especially the “perfect nipple placement” line.  I hope she becomes the new Barbara Crampton, in that she makes this a regular thing.  Honey, I’ve got my eyes on you. 

3.  Debbie Sue Voorhees – Friday The 13^th part V: A New Beginning

For a movie series known for a lot of Ta Ta shots, it’s a remarkable feat to be the most remembered, even for an installment that is ranked as one of the worst in the series (unjustly, as it’s actually a pretty good slasher film).  Debbie sports some whopper knockers, that have to be real, and probably helped many preteen boys realize they’re about to be men.  It’s a shame she never really went on to do much else, with all that talent in her bra, she could’ve gone far.  Very far. 

2.  Mathilda May – Lifeforce

She’s like a Eurpoean Alyssa Milano, only with, shockingly, a better rack, and walks around the whole movie as naked as possible.  She’s so damn gorgeous, men become petrified husks of gray skin when they come within range of her.  It’s like a curse.  Blessed be so gorgeous, but any potential mate shrivels and dies.  Her role is simply a space vampire, found in a sleep state in space, that goes around sucking the “lifeforce” out of others as she awakens.  Her Ta Tas are so dangerously hot, and liven an otherwise extremely boring movie, which seems exactly what they were unleashed for.

1.  Lisa Glaser – Humanoids From The Deep

The benchmark Ta Ta scene for me.  Bouncy jubblies running from fish monsters, stripping from the orders of a ventriloquist dummy, and that perfect early 80’s untainted freshness.  I’m pretty positive her scene, among a few others, was added in by Roger Corman just to spice up this titacular picture, and bless him for it.  That alone earns him that honorary Oscar he’s got coming to him this upcoming ceremony.  Sure, she gets macked on by a fish monster shortly after stripping, but that fish monster just has good taste!

Special Bonus: 

Legendary Arse: Linnea Quigley – Return Of The Living Dead/Night Of The Demons

Feel free to list your favorite horror movie Ta Tas.  And Happy Holidays, HMFers!