It’s been awhile since my last review of a Classic Horror film but with running the Radio show and going to and from Doctors it becomes overwhelming. That’s why i’m back with one obscure Horror Film and I hope it turns out well.For those that don’t know who I am, I run a Radio Show that discusses many films only on VHS. The reason for these reviews is to inform many Horror fans new to the genre or not about many films that you may never see on DVD. In my review’s I go into great detail about every aspect of the film: Boring parts, Spoilers and all. The readers are put through the same torture I am with most films chosen. I do keep track with the runtime as the review goes on. With that said, let’s talk about the history of the film chosen.

Death Spa was Directed in 1988 by Michael Fischa, this was Fischa’s Directorial debut but he went on to direct his 2nd feature the semi-classic “My Mom Is A Werewolf.” Most of his other works were low-budget Action films. This feature on the other hand is the only film in his Filmography that is Out-Of-Print. The VHS was released in 1990 by MPI Home Video and for those who know MPI pretty well they also released “Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer” “Henry 2″ “Dracula” (With Jack Palance.) Along with many Classic Horror, Thriller, Action, Comedy and Making Of Films.

Don’t let this film fool you into thinking it’s a different film, due to the fact that in 1986 there was another Horror Gym film entitled “Killer Workout” directed by David A. Prior. “Killer Workout” is a Slasher, “Death Spa” is a Haunted Gym feature.

Let’s Begin The Review: (Wow I just looked at my VHS and it’s model number is 6066…Lucky me.)

DEATH SPA
(Uncut Unedited Version, 89mins.)

*Please Be Warned, This Is A Very Long Read *

The film begins with a city landscape with lightning in the background, panning towards the “Star Body Health Spa.” As the camera pans in closer to the sign, lighting strikes it leaving the only letters that are on to read “Death Spa.” (That had to be the coolest intro to a film i’ve ever seen.)

The camera is now inside panning the interior of the Spa, many lights are going out and now some chick is dancing. After her little Flashdance she get’s a towel and a bottle of the “Good Stuff” only to take a rest on the floor. A shadow is seen on the wall behind her and soon comes into view. It’s Marvin (Played by Ken Foree), who scared Laura (Played by Brenda Bakke.) Marvin walks Laura to the door, giving her a kiss and telling her to be safe before she leaves the Spa. Laura enters the locker room, using a keycard to open her locker, get’s undressed and wraps a towel around herself. After she closes her locker and begins to walk down the hall into the sauna, Laura takes her towel off and lays down. *Cue soft music.* Laura begins to touch herself in a sexual way, but soon the steam flowing into the sauna turns green and fills the room tremendoulsy. Laura then run’s to the door banging her hands screaming for help, (Ok???) Laura then breaks the window to the room, does a backfilp into the air and lay’s on the floor of the sauna while the green steam covers her.

(What I would like to know is, why would there be a window on the door to the sauna ? That’s like the #1 thing never to put on a door where everybody inside is gonna be nude. It’s either to let the perv’s look in on the women or to make sure there is no Gay sex happening.)

*Next scene: Outside some house.*

A person is asleep on the couch, then cut to some random person on fire…(Wait a second, what did I just miss???) Now we’re back to the guy sleeping on the couch and the phone is ringing, the guy wakes up and we cut to a car driving through town.

(Did I just see a store called “Chicken Plus” in the background of the city???)

The guy gets out of his car and run’s into the Hospital into the Burn Unit. Finally, after walking through the Burn Unit and opening doors with naked people getting bathed, we learn that the guy is named Micheal Evans and he’s the owner of the Health Spa. We soon learn that Laura is in the Hospital and suffered from low-grade Chemical burns. Micheal goes into the waiting room and the scene fades to black.

*Cue the next day along with 80’s upbeat workout music*

We’re back at the Spa, where everybody is SO happy. Yeah Marvin is back on screen!!! Marvin spots a guy who is trying to show off to a chick, but the weights on the bench press are a little to much. After this we zoom into the camera where 2 (I guess) sercurity guys are watching over the Spa and messing around with the equipment, since they somehow have control of all the machines. Now 2 Police detectives enter the Spa and ask to speak to the owner (Micheal.) The officers begin to question Micheal about the computer room asking, who operates it and who is allowed to enter it. (Jeez, talk about a Computer room. How much security do you need for just a little Health Spa? Does the President visit often?) Once inside the officers begin to question Micheals “Former” Brother in law, since he’s the only one that can operate the main computer. Most of the normal questions are asked, (Where were you from so on and so on, ETC.) After everything is asked he hands them the computer documents from the previous day which states everything that happened.

(We’re now 18 Minutes in the film)

We now journey into the pool section of the Spa, a lady is up on the diving board and we witness as the bolts holding the plank is slowly unscrewing. The lady jumps and jumps again, then falls into the water as the plank falls down. Soon everyone rushes to her and the 2 officers aren’t far behind only to ask more questions. (Where to now?) Micheal thens enters the computer room asking his Brother in law, David, more questions concerning the steam in the sauna. Micheal walks down the hall and Marvin shows up to ask “I just heard about the diving board, what the hell’s going on around here?” Only to switch to the two officers eating at some joint asking each other what they think about the Spa/Case and now we’re back to Micheal talking to Marvin in his office. Then back to the officers talking about Micheal’s wife.

(I can’t believe how this film is all over the place, they start to go one place, but soon they switch to something else that’s uninteresting. It’s begining to become a chore, Stop, Write, Play, Stop, Write. You get my point.)

We’re now back to the house where Micheal was asleep and guess what? He’s asleep again and dreaming of a wheelchair surrounded by fog, then the sun comes up as the fog rolls away and to end it once the sun is set, the wheelchair catches on fire and we see some female figure. Micheal then wakes up and reaches for a picture of his deceased wife.

(Another day at the Spa)

Micheal and Marvin are racing each other in the pool, Marvin takes note about the night he saw Laura before the accident.

(After this scene we witness about 2 minutes of workout music as the camera goes place to place watching people do Aerobics and lifting weight.)

Micheal enters his office, only to find a birds nest with either a dead bird or a heart. From the office Micheal goes into the computer room to ask David about it, of course David doesn’t know and Micheal issues a death warrant for medical attention.

(Ladies Shower Room)
We have about 7-8 women in the shower talking about what they plan to do this coming week, but the lights soon go out and then back on agian. They continue to wash themselves only to have the water coming from the showers to reach a higher temperture and scold the ladies and have the tiles on the walls striking them as they leave the shower room.

(I’m starting to expect some GORE pretty soon.)

The dude from eariler in the film who was trying to impress the lady lifting weights is now on a lighter machine talking to another guy about to get on…(The poster to this movie best describes this machine.) He uses his keycard and sits into the machine. As the machine begins the weight is set to 120lbs, but everytime he pushes out it increases rapidly, so rapidly that he can’t push no more and his arms are locked in place from starting postition as the machine adds even more weight. The Impress dude comes over and tries to help free the man from the machine but he’s unable to free him. Soon the ribs of the man in the machine pop through his shirt and blood splatters everywhere.

Micheal, David and Micheals attourney are in the computer room trying to figure out more to this bizzare happening. Then Micheal goes to pick up Larua from the Hospital and takes her back to his place, Micheal hands her a present, then in the next scene Micheal is kissing Laura’s next while at the dinner table….(OMG…Why do I even bother, I mean come on, if you were to witness what I just saw, you would be at a loss for words, it was that funny.) Ok basicly Laura has these eye patches on to protect her face and I guess Micheal is really turned on by them? At the dinner table, as mentioned Micheal is kissing Laura’s neck. The next scene Laura opens her mouth and a Aspargus, shaped like a penis is used to caress her lips as she then takes a bite and smiles in enjoyment. Then Micheal asks Laura to move in with him, only to cut back to the freaking Spa.

Again, everyone leaves for the night but the Black chick, I think Marcy is her name. Anyway Marcy soon hears and witnesses the lockers opening and closing repeatedly. Marcy keeps backing up, to a soon open locker and the detatchable rack used to hang your clothes protrudes through the darkness of the locker only to shoot out and go through Marcy’s neck. Micheal and Laura soon enter that same locker room. Micheal leaves Larua to get her things as he goes back to his office, then to the computer room acessing the main computer. Laura on the other hand is reaching for things inside her locker and who’s that hanging inside her locker? It’s Marcy, with a spike in her neck and…(Wait…It’s been like 5 mins since she died but her face has already started to rot away?) A rotted face. The screen then cut’s to someone walking down the Spa’s hall in a black dress, Micheal is still sitting in the computer room when a message appears on the monitor “>Micheal, I Miss You.” The screen beside the computer turns on to show the black dressed lady, while Laura keeps saying “Micheal” while feeling her way around the walls. The black dressed lady enters the locker where Laura is and soon after Micheal enters to see what it is, only to be dissapointed that its that chick (Darla) “The Dude* was trying to impress.

(That was a lousy payoff.)

Back to Micheals house, we see Micheal sitting in a chair as we see another dream/vision of that wheelchair again, this time the lady that was faint in the 2nd half of the dream is pouring gas over herself, then catches fire and… (Did I just see this right?) The lady in the chair is crawling on this desert or whatever place she managed to get to while in a wheelchair. Anyway, the lady is on the ground and Micheal comes into frame with a fire extinguisher putting her out, then the vision/dream ends. Micheal gets up from the chair and goes to lay down on the bed with Laura, Micheal begins to go into detail that while he is either at home or work, that he can feel a presence and he thinks it’s his departed wife Cathrine.

(The Next Day and 37mins in the movie)

The camera is positioned outside the office of “Dr. Lido Moray: Paranormal Investigator.” Inside the office of the Doc’s the camera pans over a varitey of many documents/skulls/machines and finally to the Doc himself holding some type of device and circleling over an object, he tells the story of the object to Micheal sitting across from him. The Doc then tells that he is able to figure out the history of an object or it’s previous owners, Micheal hands him an object that belonged to his wife, then the Doc uses his magic wand. The Doc goes on to describe some events that happened to Micheal and his wife, such as going into labor and losing the baby and becoming a cripple. Only then to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. (Those dreams are starting to make sense now, not knowing this beforehand makes you wonder what’s happening on screen cause there so brief.) A few more lines are spoken back and forth between The Doc and Micheal, where Micheal want’s more proof that Doc isn’t pulling his leg and so Doc goes into a trance and begins to describe that Cathrine thought of her family as a birds nest. (More info that fits now.) After a few more words are spoken, The Doc offers to come down to the Spa and investigate the place disguised as a Insurance agent or something. Micheal leaves the office to his car outside, soon to be followed by those two damn officers. (I should point out that 1 officer is a old white man in his 50’s and the other is a black lady in her 40’s.)

(This brief scene is hard to describe, since there isn’t anyone on screen, only audio.) The camera is pointing towards a window of some house where a lady is walking away from view, the camera is then inside the room panning over cloths and objects on the floor, only to stop at a picture of David and Cathrine. A soft melody is being repeated and this conversation is spoken at the same time:

“You love me, don’t you?”

“I, can’t do this anymore. Cathrine, we’re hurting people.”

(Moans are heard)

“That’s better, there so weak and together we are so strong…hehehe.”

(Back at the Spa for the 6th time.)

The two officers walk into Micheals office…yet again, this time it’s about the dissapearance of Marcy, (The Spiked Girl) and how she has been missing for 2 days. After that brief scene, Micheal run’s into The Doc telling his that the security system will be off for the night so he can investigate. We then cut away…again, to the ladies bathroom, where this one lady gets a note “From Micheal” to met her in the basement by follwoing the map drawn on the paper. We’re now following the lady as she uses the map to enter the “No Entry” door, she reaches the end of the hallway, enters another door to the boiler room. The lights begin to flicker and more steam erupts from the pipes. (I sense a death scene.) As she tries to leave, the sprinklers begin to turn on and she screams in shock as the water sprays down on her “What is it?” She then falls only to crawl under a machine sticking the top half of her body out to get pelted with water, but it isn’t water, it’s acid. As she lays on her back, her face begins to solidify and melt.

Cut to Laura at home going to the door where David is asking to come in and work on a program.David is sitting at the computer desk talking to Laura about how he’s sorry about her accident and how it’s kinda soon for Micheal to have her living with him even if it’s been over a year since his sister’s death. David picks up a screwdriver and asks Laura is he creeps her out? Laura responds, while backing away from the desk and over to the balcony of the 2nd floor being followed by David. (Take note Laura still has those bandages over her eyes.) The doorbell rings, as Laura cowers with David standing over her, only to ask him to answer the door. It’s some lady that Micheal asked to drop some groceries off. David took them and just placed them on the steps, watching her drive away from the window. In a brief scene Micheal asks someone if they have seen David, then it cuts to Micheals car driving to his house.

Micheal enters the front door, picks up the groceries and finds Laura on the couch who was sleeping. Laura tells Micheal that David came by, making Micheal wonder what he was up too since he didn’t say to fix anything. Another short scene with Micheal and Laura by the hot tub and we’re back to the Spa.

(I’m literally bored out of my head at this moment, i’m hopeing this picks up pretty soon.)

Micheals Attourney and Pricilla (Maybe Darla) are in the basement of the Spa, working on the computer mainframe where it doen’t control the Air conditioning and Mike’s Attourney just lays his watch down and walks away. Then The Doc is seen going through the halls using his wand, he too heads to the basement and enters the door at the far end and a head pops out of another door looking down the hall at him. The Doc soon finds “The Acid Lady,” as she erupts and melts even more. The Doc heads back through the door he just came in, he runs down the hall, turns around and comes face to face with a lady in white. The lady in white grabs The Doc by the wrist and tosses him up into the ceiling, he falls back down, get’s back up, grabs the gun from his side and his hand explodes.The lady in white once again throws The Doc upwards towards the stairs. (Haha I fount a goof, you can see the wire holding The Doc going up the stairs.) The Doc then falls back down the stairs and is dead.

We go back to see Micheal walking faintly around his pool, a soft voice is spoken and we see Cathrine at the top balcony with fog and a red light gleaming behind her speaking Micheal’s name. She speaks “Come to me, we can finally be together…Jump…Jump” and Micheal jumps from the balcony. Too bad it’s only a dream and this film carries on.

Micheal then enters the Spa screaming for The Doc, he enters the part of the basement where his Attourney was fixing the AC, only to find his watch and for the love of GOD the scene changes where Micheal is outside the front door of his Attourney. Micheal hands the watch over and tries to figure out why things are starting to happen. We then learn that they are trying to take over his health club. Micheal leaves the house.

(1 Hour In And 29 Mins Left…Kill Me Now.)

Remeber that scene eariler with only the audio between a guy and Cathrine, well it turns out that the guy is David (Incest!!!)and he is tired of doing what his sister Cathrine is doing. I believe Cathrine kills him but it’s hard to tell due to the most pathetic scream i’ve ever heard.

Micheal is sitting in the computer room about to call The Doc and then (Uhhh, go away.) Marvin walks into frame in a pair of white shorts with his junk facing the camera beside Micheals face. Marvin asks if he called for him? As Micheal asks if he has seen David and then asks if he’s see The Doc. They both go into the computer room and Micheal tells Marvin that if he come’s across The Doc to sit on him, Micheal hands Marvin his keycard and the scene ends with them doing some stupid High Five dance.

(Those shorts Ken Foree wore had to be fixed in someway, I mean these things were like Daisy Dukes on a man. I see why this film is OOP, it’s to save Ken Foree’s career.)

Micheal and the two officers park their cars and walk across the street and up the stairs to David’s place. Micheal has to break in to enter, then we see that lady again (I’m guessing Cathrine,) walk past the windows. They finally get inside the house and soon enter the bedroom where Micheal finds the wheelchair his wife was in. The Officers file a report on David and they might suspect him to be dressed in drag. (Could this be a twist of everything I just wrote eariler and confuse the reader? Let’s find out.) Micheal calls the Spa and says don’t let anyone one in the computer room expect Marvin and himself.

(We’re back at the Spa, this time it’s Mardi Gras!!!)

The officers enter the Spa and soon run into Marvin (Dressed as a genie,) and would you look at that it’s Cathrine who they just missed within 3 seconds of entering the door. We’re acutally following Cathrine into the computer room? (This is news.) Cathrine walks over to the mainframe on the wall, waves her hand over it as the computer comes on. The guard then spots her and says she’s not allowed in the room. Cathrine then takes off a part of her nightgown walking sexually towards the guard and sits on the desk, her hand goes forward into the guards face and he dies somehow and now Cathrine is dressed in the guards Mardi Gras pirate outfit. (A few things happened at once, so here it goes.) 2 chicks from the Spa, 1 being Laura ask Marvin when Micheal will arrive, Micheal arrives outside and enters the spa, Cathrine in the outfit takes Laura, who thinks it’s the real guard to the tanning parlor, Micheals Attourney is stealing documents from Micheals office and another person walks in, he hides behind a chair and strikes the person down with a blunt object, the Attourney thinks who he struck down is Micheal, Cathrine in the outfit tied Laura onto a tanning bed, takes her mask off and turns the tanning bed on. Micheal run’s to the computer room and turns it off, but it turns back on. The printer is going crazy as on the paper it reads “Micheal, I Miss You,” in that same room the real guard is sitting in a chair, Micheal turns him around and we see that his face is streched or broken. (It looks like someone punched him from inside his own head.) Micheal turns around to see Cathrine standing at the main computer, Micheal ask the whereabouts of Laura, Cathrine replys while pointing at the computer screen “Working on her tan and 1 click of the button and she’s fried chicken.” Cathrine is furious at Micheal because he hasn’t returned her messages (”Micheal, I Miss You,”) she want’s Micheal dead and if he doesn’t do what she says, she will kill everyone in the Spa. Micheal run’s to the computer screen but is soon thrown back into a file cabinet and knocked out.

(Breaking Point.)

In the sauna we have Micheals Attourney and Pricilla (Darla???…Again, names that don’t start with David, Micheal, Laura, Cathrine or Marvin, i’m unsure who they are.) Cathrine is watching from the computer, as they start to make out, but not for long. Micheals Attourney head splits open as the boards fly from the walls chasing Pricilla. Micheal wakes up and now David is at the computer, Micheal looks at the screen and notices that David is inside the computer, as the real body is switching back and forth from David to Cathrine. Micheal runs from the computer room then jumps through Tanning Parlor door and unties Laura, Cathrine walks into frame and holds her hand out to Micheal, telling him to take her hand so they can “Die forever and live together in Hell.” (I think they messed that up.) Marvin comes in trying to hold Cathrine back, but is soon tossed out of the room window. Cathrine walks away telling everyone will die and the party goes on.

(Alright i’m hoping for an onslaught of death now.)

The bar maid sticks her hand into the juicer and it gets chewed off while talking to the male officer. Then the freezer opens and sucks the officer inside, once inside everything turns to life and a fish that was on the rack flies down and rips out the officers troat. The female officer finds the lady that was knocked out by Mike’s Attourney. Cathrine screams in enjoyment in the computer room. Micheal is on his way to shut off the power to the building, at the same time the female officer takes the lady on the floor to main room of the spa and leaves her, (Ha, it’s Darla finally a name to tell the chicks apart.) Darla then get’s up and goes to a mirror, the mirror starts to wobble only to explode and blow Darla’s head clean off hitting the back wall. (All this time without a name and once I get a name…You kill her in 10 seconds.) Now everyone is starting to panic, some are on fire and all the doors are locked. Micheal get’s to the power supply, takes off his shoes, pulls the cord from the computer supply and the 440 Volts box. Micheal then tapes both cords together around his shoes then connects them, electricity flows through Micheal, as it also travels through Cathrine causing the mainframe to explode and setting her on fire.

(Almost done…Thank you.)

Everyone is still in panic as Micheal, Laura and the female officer run to the computer room. Cathrine took over David’s body and as once last scare, the body grabs for Laura, only to have Micheal rip the arm off and the female officer shooting the head. They exit the building and for the final gag, Cathrine’s body begins to crawl and risese up into frame as the one eyeball bursts into camera.

(Fade To Black)

Overall it turned out to be less death and more useless things that only helped the story out, did the film live up to it’s name? Well there was Death in a Spa and that pretty much sum’s it up.

The story was good, even if there was too much of it the film paced itself fairly well, even when it tried to throw 15 different things towards the viewer, it still managed to be a decent and fun watch.

The death scenes were the best of course, many you could see coming but not in the style you were thinking. I mean Darla’s head got blown off into chunks by an exploding mirror…That’s brilliant. I’m amazed at the sheer madness of all the exploding death scenes, That alone was worth the price of admission or the $2 I paid for it at a Flea Market.

I do recommend this film to any Horror fan that either wants a good Ghost story, Gorefest or just a weird film with many elements combined.

( Rating: 7 Out Of 10)

Hope you enjoyed Death Spa, thanks for reading if you made it this far.

HAVOK,