Directed By: Lisa Comrie.Starring: Rissa Walters, Dan Comrie, Brian Comrie.Rating: 2 Out Of 10 Skulls

It’s on a rare occassion that I put myself through torture for a movie review, especially when the movie came out in 2007. A few things to discuss before the review starts is that this film was dust in the wind, I remember viewing the trailer while I was watching some Gore-fest feature film, after that this film was no more. It just made me wonder what the hell happened to it, was the film that bad or was it a stupid pre-teen film for this years MTV generation? After forgetting about the film altogether it hit DVD  last year and now i’m putting myself to watch this for your reading enjoyment.

(*Note* To give you a poll of how bad this is before I begin take this into account. More films from the 80’s that are Out-Of-Print have more viewings then this movie, on IMDB only 306 people have voted, I’m not saying that’s the amount of people who viewed the film but it’s still a good discussion point and it’s sad when the lead actress who is playing Sarah Landon is listed at the bottom of the actors/actresses list.)

More info about the limited run can be fount here, that is if your interested: http://www.dreadcentral.com/story/sarah-landon-the-paranormal-dvd

The Review:

Little miss Sarah Landon goes away for the weekend to visit Megan, (Who died) her friends Grandma, Thelma Shaw. Her car begins to act up and stops at the nearest Car repair shop (Which happens to be conveinently located adjacent to where her car first act’s up across the street.) Sarah then run’s into Carlos the Mechanic, who basicly know’s Sarah’s life story from begining to end. Carlos knows Thelma Shaw and some of Sarah’s friends who she use to play with when she was younger. With Sarah’s car needing a new water pump Carlos tells the story of Sarah’s childhood’s play friend Matt Baker and what happened to his older brother David. From this point Carlos does a Voice-Over retelling what happened to Johnny, basicly Carlos, Johnny’s Father Ben Woods and some other guy built the car garage and how Ben loves to gloat about how his son Johnny is the best at playing Baseball, Johnny hangs out with his nephews (Matt and David) and the Mother of them (Mary-Ann) asks Johnny to go out for his 21st birthday, well while driving Mary-Ann does the best to not hit a cat and crashes into a pole killing Johnny on impact, well Ben isn’t happy and issues a warning to Mary-Ann stating that when her 1st son (His Nephew) turns 21 he is gonna die, (I’m beginging to wonder how…since he doen’t have that much hair and he’s missing his bottom 2 front teeth. I mean wouldn’t that make you wanna kill yourself right then? Who wants to grow up and see him when your 21? Here he is coming to kill you and now he’s bald, missing all his teeth, has a limp, can say 1 word every 2 minutes, takes 10 minutes for him to reach the door and to make things worse he smells like pee. Kill me now while i’m young…PLEASE!!!) End of story.

Well Matt comes to pick Sarah up (Cue soft love music,) and like that our 1st encounter is over but of course we’re suppose to fell that lovey dovey moment when Matt wants to see her “Tomorrow.” Sarah is now at Thelma Shaw’s house and DAMN IT TO HELL!!!! Her guest room is a storage room now, (I bet it is…Ms. Shaw doesn’t want Sarah to hear the headboards knocking against the wall when Tony the pool boy swings by for a visit.) Sarah is given the guest house to stay in and “The Darn Toilet Is Out Of Order.” Well with a warm welcome Sarah and Ms. Shaw talk more about Matt and then we’re given more story of “Ben’s Revenge.” This part of the tale it’s David’s funeral and everything in town is shut down and how everyone showed up to David’s Funeral, all but Ben Woods is there. Carlos then drives to Ben’s place and nothing but Opera is blasting from the house, Carlos confronts Ben in a chair and see’s that Ben has died, (For those who haven’t seen the film or not wanting to watch it, this is Carlos’s reaction….Carlos opens door…”Ben?”….”Ben, What are you doing?”….”Ben! Ben!” Walks to where Ben is sitting with pictures spread over his lap and checks pulse, lifting up Ben’s fat head. “No, Ben!!!” This has to be the worst reaction to seeing a dead guy dead in a chair with no hair, i’ve ever seen.) Well it seemed that “BEN!!!!” died of a Heart-Attack and 6 months later things are getting a little crazy for Mary-Ann and David, (Whoooo 2 XX on a swing, a cross with the number 1 and a skull….God that’s horrible.) Well it seems that Ben is gonna kill David from the dead from Midnight to 1a.m. Which happens to be called “The Paranormal Hour.” (Oh my God that scared the crap out of me…Ben just walked by Mary-Ann in his custom Flannel Shirt,Blue Jeans and no hair and looked right at me…Holy Shit!!!…now he’s in the mirror.) They sent poor Mary-Ann away and now David (The one with the death warrant) has become a recluse and his 21st birthday is “This Monday” ( 0.0!!!!! Do you know what this means?)

As the film goes on we witness fond memories of Sarah and Megan playing as little girls and Matt offering Hot Apple Pie to Sarah. (Excuse me….HAHAHAHAHA, how is this film rated PG?) Matt then tells the story of when he visited his Brother, (Man, David sure does use the toilet quite a bit, maybe he could go fix the toilet in the guest house Sarah is staying in.) We then learn that David is trying to figure out every exact detail as to why his Mother died and how he’s gonna die.

(Wait…i’m only 28 minutes in this movie and I have 1hr and 20mins left…COME ON!!!! So much has happened.)

It seems that a new kid (Justin) who just moved down the street and who happens to be 11 is Ben reincarnated, but Justin doesn’t know that he’s Ben yet. Then a call from a psychic tells David to stay home on his birthday and some more stupid things happen, such as Justin stopping by Ms. Shaw’s place, Sarah dropping off some cookies off at Justins house where she finds a book, which she finds weird and David breaking into Ben’s old house only to be chased by Ben’s Ghost followed by more useless love story development between Matt and Sarah.

(Uh oh it’s the toilet that can’t be used…it’s making noises and angry, maybe it’s saying “Feed Me Sarah, i’m so hungry.”)

Now things are happening to Sarah, as she run’s from the guest house to the couch in Ms. Shaw’s house. (Just a side note…I’m beginging to enjoy these long shots behind Sarah.)

(13 Hours Until Midnight!!!…..and 53 minutes left in the movie.)

More useless story filler, Sarah visits where Johnny was killed, get’s visited by Justin and then Sarah goes to Ben’s house and talks to the Realator, when he shares how Justin wanted to move to that exact town….Blah Blah Blah.

(8 Hours Until Midnight!!!)

Matt takes Sarah to visit his Mother and the psychic leaves a message for David on the answering machine about a Druid Ritual.

(2 Hours Until Midnight!!!)

Here we go it’s Ritual time…David put’s on a mask, sit’s in the chair surrounded by Turnips and is left to face whatever comes his way. After a few words are spoken of wheather who will be possessed by Ben we see that it’s good old Ms. Shaw, but guess what??? She’s not Ms. Shaw, as the dark and horrid voice of Ben is heard with a Rifle in hand as her possessed body chases after Matt and Sarah. Soon the possessed Ms. Shaw arrives at David’s Ritual Chair and figures out it’s him but is soon interupted by Justin, who just so happens to be Johnny, Ben’s Son and like that the spirt of Ben leaves Ms. Shaw, walks to Justin/Johnny nods his head and fades away. Also Matt and David’s Mother comes out of her Coma like state, Ms. Shaw wakes up and Sarah leaves, only to do a Voice Over of everything that happened and that this little encounter with the Paranormal was only the begining. THE END

Well i’m at a loss for words on this one folks, I mean the least I could say is that it sucked badly but it was worse than that. The only thing better to do while watching this is having a sledgehammer smash your testicles on a jagged hill top, putting your testicles into a blender, freezing your testicles and then crushing them. (Emmmm…It’s amazing how many ideas of Testicle torture i’ve got from watching this film.) I can’t see no-one enjoying this lame excuse for a Ghost story, how this was scary to kids is way beyond my sense of humor…IT”S A DUDE WITH NO HAIR, NO BOTTOM TEETH, A LISP, WITH A FLANNEN BUTTON DOWN SHIRT, BLUE JEANS AND TO MAKE THINGS WORSE HE LOOKS LIKE HE”S HAD ONE FEW MANY BEERS AND HE SMELLS LIKE PEE!!!! Another thing I noticed is that it felt like everyone in this film has Rape written over their heads? I mean it fells like their personality is so happy that when you turn around and look over your shoulder, your either getting looked at in a sexual way or your ass is getting pounded by your long time friend, Carlos the “What can I do for ya, Hey, I’m only kidding let’s take a look” Mechanic and yours truly, (Her green nighty was nice…if you get my drift?)

I personally felt that in my mind I wanted to see Tony the pool boy boink Mrs. Shaw with the squeaky headboards, I honestly don’t care at this point, at least I could walk away with something more then loosing half my sperm count. God stay away and please Movie God let this be the end of Sarah Landon…I don’t wanna see “Sarah Landon And The Case Of The Ghost Who Eat’s Kids But Isn’t A Ghost Who Eat’s Kids But Is An Old Fart Who Has Erectile Dysfunction And Can’t Keep A Stiffy For More Then 5 Seconds And Orders Extenze But Still Can’t Keep It Up Until He See’s The Ass Of Sarah Landon And Fades Away Happy Now That He Can Keep A Stiffy For 1 Minute.”

Hope you enjoyed my review!!!