Directed By: Jeff Mandel

Starring: Dan Haggerty

Rating:  5 Out Of 10 Skulls

It’s that time of the year again and what’s better than a review of a Christmas film? A review of a Christmas film filled with Incest, Neo-Nazi Cults and Grizzly Adams. This is all covered in the 1989 film entitled “ELVES.” The long overdue exposure to this film to the public isn’t well known. This film was Distributed by AIP (Action International Pictures) Studios, which is long gone, most films they made are long Out Of Print and were low-budget Action, Drama and Horror titles, that had terrible acting and bizzare stories that never made sense, this being one of them.  The story begins with a group of teenage girls in the middle of the woods, who form their own little cult but they really aren’t a cult. The lead girl (Kristen) of the group took a book that belonged to her GrandFather, in which a response of ”NEVER take the book and NEVER go to that place in the woods” is spoken in regards to her friends asking her why she has it. Soon Kristen cuts her hand only to have her blood fall to the ground, then the girls decide to leave but after a few short steps without looking back a lonely hand pops up from underneath the spot that they were sitting. Kristen is later confronted by her Grandpa asking is she took ”Said” book to “Said” place, only to answer “No” of course. A few things you should know about Kristen’s family should be that her Brother likes to spy on his Sister while in the shower, her Mother is crazy and doesn’t believe a word you say… literaly and her grandpa is German and is in a wheelchair. Back to the story, Kristen works at a local department store and it’s Christmas time, so that means we get to see kids sit on Santa’s lap and feel up on Kristen. Dan Haggerty plays Mike McGavin, a retired Police Detective that is out on his luck and unable to find a job. So after the departure (And death by stabbing in the nuts) of the “Groping” Santa, Mike takes his place. Another thing to mention is that the hand in the begining of the film is a 2 foot tall Elf, (Or co-star of the film) that manages to walk behind people without being noticed or heard for that matter. So with Mike as Santa and Kristen working in the Deli, you would think nothing is gonna happen once they meet in the Deli. Wrong, our friend Mr. Elf is on the loose and is killing for a reason, even though the kills are few and far between, Mr. Elf still has a kill record. (He is seen eariler in the film at Kristen’s house, trying to hump her Brother.) As the story slowly moves on Kristen decides to invite her girlfriends to her workplace during afterhours and enjoy the company of a few “Horny” edge of the 80’s boy toys. (But if you think about it their not really boy toys, I believe it’s all the 80’s had left in it’s young stud department.) Before the studs arrive Mike (Who is also staying in the department store) begins to investigate a weird symbol he fount at the library, only to find out the Occult book he wants is located in section 666 (How conveient) and if it couldn’t get better the page is missing as well. Now let’s go check in on Kristen’s bizzare family; her Mother drowns Kristen’s cat in the toilent bowl and a group of Nazi’s show up out of nowhere to talk about their plan for world domination with Grandpa. Now with everyone except the studs in the department store the story tries to progress, the girls have fun in the store trying on different outfits and make-up only to have Mike come down and confront them. After making a truce, they go back to do whatever they started. It’s time for the studs to arrive and deliver a few lines of dialouge and then die by the Nazi’s who are now after Kristen. A gun fight breaks out and magicly Mr. Elf is inside the department store is lurking and stalking around. The Nazi’s kill one of Kristen’s friend as well as Mr. Elf. After this incident in the store Mike takes Kristen home, only to cause her Mother to yell at everyone and take into consideration that Kristen is doing drugs with an older man. As Mike starts to leave he is stopped by old Gramps, who wants to know about this Troll that is mentioned through-out the film. Yet again Mike goes to the Library to talk to the professor and we’re taught something only a movie could point out, which is ”Elves were on the Ark in the Bible” o.O REALLY?  After this crazy find we soon find out that during World War II the Nazi’s tried to make a unstopable secert weapon, an indestructable ELF that will eat anything. So with this new knowledge Mike is off to kick some Nazi-Ass, and that he does. Now with everything that has happened everyone must be thinking, ”Could it get any worse? Yes it can. If you remember I did mention Incest and oh boy, Kristen’s GrandFather is her Father as well (O.O What a shocker!!!) Now basicly the plot of this strange film is… (SPOILERS) Kristen’s Father/GrandFather had to sleep with his Daughter to produce the perfect ”Seed” for our friend Mr. Elf to Rape or have Sex (If willing, but sadly no,) only then to have the ulitmate half-incest child, half-Elf Nazi to take over the entire population.  Which leads to a lack-luster ending and a possible sequel, (Which never happened…DAMN.) Overall this is quite a bizzare film, the acting isn’t the greatest and the story… need I say more. So if your like me and want to find those little unknown Horror gems, this is your film. HAPPY HUNTING!!!!