Grindhouse presents - DEATH PROOF. (2007)

Director: Quentin Tarantino

Actors: Kurt Russell, Rosario Dawson, Quentin Tarantino, some other annoying chicks.

Grade: D+ (the + is for Kurt Russell)

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If I seem to ramble on endlessly about nothing much important in this review, you’ll have to forgive me, I saw Death Proof last night and it might have rubbed off on me.

 For me there were three highlights of this movie:

1. When Kurt Russell first appeared on screen eating nachos (because it’s the excellent Kurt Russell and because the nachos look fucking tasty! If food in a movie immediately makes me want it, it’s been shot well! (hehe)

2. The first (and ONLY - that’s right) kill scene of the movie where it shows a detailed breakdown of the car crash.

3. When this movie finally fucking ended!

It should be foretold to all that loved this movie that I intend on doing nothing in this review that doesn’t involve bashing it into the ground. I have a hatred towards this movie (even more after seeing it) and I NEEEEEEEEEEED to vent. Let’s take it back to the beginning!

I think most of you may be enlightened as to the Grindhouse story. Planet Terror & Death Proof being released in US cinemas as one movie to pay homage to the old Grindhouse sessions of the 70’s. Even going to the effort of aging the film on purpose, adding in fake trailers between films and obviously the story lines themselves. I think it’s a genius fucking idea and could only come from the minds of true movie buffs. That’s alot of passion to have for a particular genre and that particular era.

The awaiting of this movie starts building up in momentum. On all the genre websites there’s magic in the air. The movie is released finally and…

Then comes the bad news, the whole idea flops in the USA. I’m guessing people just couldn’t sit through near 4 hours of film. The producers behind it (The Weinstein Bro’s) started freaking out. They hadn’t “broke-even” on this film yet, they needed to do better in other countries with this film. This severely affected release dates and release types. Not too sure on what Europe got, but Australia received a split movie treatment. We got Death Proof out over here on cinema (in what I though was the first of two obvious single releases) but we then just received Planet Terror on DVD at the same time as Death Proof (in some cases receiving Planet Terror free with every Death Proof rental). Although I literally owned Planet Terror on DVD before Death Proof even came out on cinema here which shows how long they fart assed and obviously panicked over how to release this film to make some more cash! To say the least I know Aussie horror fans were feeling pretty fucking dark about this artistic rape. For a long time I blamed the producers for resorting to this extreme treatment to make cash and the audiences for not having the patience to sit through just over 3.5 hours of genre homage! Especially after seeing Planet Terror, I couldn’t believe it had managed to flop! But now I blame one fella - Quentin (I need to get over my fan boy stereotypes) Tarantino.

Death Proof is an utterly boring movie. There were 10 whole minutes of joy to experience in this 2 hour film. As soon as I saw Death Proof I realised why the Grindhouse movie flopped. People had already sat through - let’s say in total 2 hours (Planet Terror + fake trailers) and now they were awaiting the next feature presentation. They NEED stimulation at this point, they NEED chills, thrills and roller coaster kills! They don’t need to sit through 30 - 40 minutes of talking (that is NOT an exaggeration), just straight plain BORING normal EVERY DAY conversation, to experience a 1 - 2 minute collection of scenes of carnage (which was still extremely well shot mind you). So, we get past the first car crash and killing of Rose McGowan, where does the movie take us after that? It takes us back to three more girls, fresh meat for the grinder and you assume it would now pick up some momentum, nope… he just goes back to the girls talking about girl things. So for me to use fresh meat for the grinder back there as a saying is quite wrong, because first he gently tenderises the meat, then he carefully dices the meat, then ever so delicately he seasons the meat. Finally after all this he puts the meat into the grinder. But even this amended saying is still not correct, because watching somebody do that whole process to some meat would be a lot more fucking interesting than this movie!!QT out-did himself this time though, I gotta say. He managed to create some of the MOST annoying CUNT characters I’ve ever had the displeasure of watching on screen. 5 minutes into the third act I was screaming at the television “JUST HURRY AND BE FUCKING DEAD!! I HATE YOU PEOPLE!! YOU’RE MAKING ME MISERABLE!!!”, (**SPOILER**) ONLY TO FIND OUT THEY DON’T EVEN FUCKING DIE, INSTEAD THEY KICK HIS ASS AND THE MOVIE JUST ENDS RIGHT THERE!!!.

 
^^ Alot of excitement happening here!! Don’t expect too much of that.

There’s nothing smart or charming about this movie, not the whole way at least. It’s all just very uninteresting and pointless. When it ended I just sat there really confused and dumb-founded, with that sort of “what the fuck” screwed up nose look on my face. I had so many questions in my mind - examples go as such, “So what happens now? Why did Stuntman Mike immediately become a pussy? Why are these people NOT dead when I was made to hate them so much!? (and finally) Why the FUCK did I sit through this 2 hour piece of shit?”. Answering the last question is the next part of my review.

Kurt Russell. Quentin Tarantino should be on his knees kissing the man’s feet. Well I dunno about that, I’m just some stupid idiot who likes to write things that probably nobody reads, BUUUUUUUUUUT - I found him to be the only saving grace in this whole wank fest. Kurt Russell is just the only guy who could have played this character! He has this real old-school “GO-AMERICA, rugged cowboy, loves-to-bash-metrosexuals, I-smoke-because-I-want-to, I-only-drink-the-rough-whiskeys, I-eat-fat-because-it’s-too-scared-of-me-to-stick-to-my-thighs” style toughness. He is and always has been like, “*puts on tough guy accent* ALRIGHT, no matches and ya need a fire started? I’m the man to do it! Ya just need a straightened paperclip, my trusty pocket knife and a little know how! *does Kurt Russell smoker’s laugh*“. Everytime I see Kurt Russell on screen I imagine him mouth diving into his big subway roll he eats as Jack Burton driving his truck in Big Trouble In Little China or I imagine him smoking a cigarette like Snake Plisken would in the ‘Escape’ movies! It’s because these characters are parts of HIM, not detached characters he shuts off to when the movie is done. He’s underrated to the most extremes and I would love to see more new work from this bad mother fucker! To be honest I think Quentin ruined this whole fucking movie. I say for the next collaboration between John Carpenter and Kurt Russell they pick up one of Stuntman Mike’s life styles (I’m sure he has many). I would love to see what Carpenter and Russell could do with this character together. Anyway - enough Kurt Russell muscle sucking, I’ll give you a few more positives, but then it’s back to the bashings!Quentin Tarantino is not a moron, he is not lazy and he is by far not over-the-hill. Despite how often I found myself wishing for some better of this movie, I can give him credit in many areas. When the movie finally DOES get to some more thrilling moments, it is all shot extremely well. QT is a visionary and he knows what he wants to see. Some wankers on site forums like Dread Central will have you know that the director has nothing to do with how the movie is filmed and that’s up to the cinematographer, but these people are stupid. Yes sure, the cinematographer knows how to use the right lense for the right effect or what sort of technique for the right shot, but if he doesn’t have an artistic bone in his body, it’s gonna be one plainly shot movie. Hence, the director gives him artistic direction in describing the angles, designing the storyboards and in Quentin’s case, writes a large majority of the story and script. Of course he knows what he wants to see if he wrote it and he would’ve been on those cinematographers like flies on shit. “I WANT THIS HERE - THAT THERE - WE’LL NEED A LENSE TO TAKE THAT SHOT - LIGHT WEIGHT CRANES FOR THESE CHASE SHOTS”. He did well, really well. The best part in particular was the head on collision break-down. I have to say it left me quite silent for a bit, just in how well it was delivered and at that point to be honest I would have been tearfully over-joyed for anything exciting to happen!

I’m not going to explain much more of the story to be honest because… well I just don’t really think all that much happened. Okay, here’s a quick breakdown, for that what it’s worth. Three chicks talk lots to boringly build up their characters so we’re lead into a sense of false security that they couldn’t die, they drink for ages at a bar and constantly talk, Kurt Russell watches them, talks to them, gets a fucking LAP DANCE from one of them (without boob shots). He works some charm, takes an unrelated girl home, kills her then tracks down the rest of the chicks in a car and kills them with a head on collision. Cue to 14 months later, Kurt Russell is messier and a drunk now. Three more (equally boring) chicks are on the scene who eventually go pick up a friend which makes them become 4 chicks. They spend almost the WHOLE time discussing bullshit (again) and talking about exploitation movies of past, eg. Vanishing Point. Then Kurt Russell TRIES to kill them, he fails, they decide they want to kill him for payback, they succeed, dumb & pointless movie finishes.The frustration I’m feeling for how this movie out of the two Grindhouse movies was the only one to receive cinema release in Australia is migraine inducing. To ANYBODY out there who thinks they’re in for some sort of cool genre movie, PLEASE, PLEASE, hire Planet Terror, but avoid this movie any cost. The only people who should be seeing this movie are HUGE HUGE HUUUUUUUUGE Tarantino fans, I mean HUUUUUUUGE – or a desperate Kurt Russell fan who wants to see him in something new (even then you’ll be disappointed as he’s hardly in it!). The DVD is loaded with extras, but by this point I was so sleepy and uninterested that I watched as much as I could about Kurt Russell and then turned the fucking thing off. I spat on it several times, before wiping it down and returning it with a smile to Video Ezy hehe. I… hated… this movie… HAAAAAATE! It’s all I can think of.

One last time, before involving yourself, consider-a.) Am I ready to sit through 20 minute long scenes set in a car with nothing but dialogue? I’m not saying the camera changes between exterior shots of scenery either; it’s 20 minutes rotating between 3 fixed cameras focused on the inside of the car. Some wanker reviewer thought this was impressive, no, impressive is the un-cut scene in Goodfellas, starting outside and ending where Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco sit down in front of the stage inside the club. This is what I’m getting at, that was a scene consisting of a couple walking from a fucking car, through a club to their seat, BUT IT WAS STILL INTERESTING! Now that’s a genius director!b.) Think to yourself - am I truly expecting a genre film or even an insanely fast thrill ride - because the cover is DECEPTIVE.I’ll leave it there.My closing note is - some people would have me believe I’m crazy. A good friend of mine who is an extreme movie buff too actually said “you’ve become one of the herd” because I hated it. But I don’t see it this way, I just quite simply do NOT pay money to see a movie full of plain old dull talking. That’s all it was, with 15 minutes of car chase shit that was quite honestly too little, too late. I don’t care if everybody else hates it too and I AM “with the herd” - it’s dull. I’m not even an impatient viewer! Two of my favourite movies are Francis Ford Coppolla classics, Apocalypse Now & The Godfather II. These are both VERY LONG, dialogue enriched movies, but they’re interesting. Fuck – I’m even a fan of the Larry Cohen original “It’s Alive” which nobody else I personally know can sit through due to it’s dialogue! Take all that into consideration people, because that couldn’t make my point any more strongly. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to remember better times whilst watching Pulp Fiction.