Dear Hollywood,

I am the slasher horror film, don’t mind the dust as you have been neglecting me recently. I am not bitter though and I can see it in my heart to forgive you. I know you think I am old, many think I just turned 30 and most Halloween fans would agree. Truthfully, I was born 34 years in Canada by Bob Clark. Don’t worry though, I am as fit as ever. I am going to take you down memory lane, Hollywood.

 There was a time when you and I filled theaters and drive ins. Films like Black Christmas and Halloween set the stage for the 1980’s when we were all the rage. In the 80’s you and I had the Friday the 13th series, Nightmare on Elm Street series, Hell Night, Madman, Maniac, Silent Night, Deadly Night, April Fool’s Day, My Bloody Valentine and dozens of others. We even started a rule book and had a formula to follow. We created stars and the term “Scream Queen”. I was a popular and straight-foward genre. Then when the market got oversaturated as the 80’s closed you dumped me like a sad sack of potatoes.

I soon had a comeback. It was megahit Scream. You seemed grateful. However, that didn’t really lead to slashers as much as it lead to Scream “wannabes”. I Know What You Did Last Summer seemed like it fit more on The Lifetime Channel than in my genre. Urban Legend, Bones, Final Stab and Valentine all illustrate what road you were taking me down. Even the big three became a parody of themselves. Freddy Krueger went from sucking Johnny Depp into a bed and then spitting him back out into degenerating to Depp being hit with a frying pan in Freddy’s Dead. Michael Myers faced off with a Kung Fu Busta Rhymes in Halloween Reserection. Trick or treat, motherfucker. Ugh. Don’t get me started on Jason X. The fact the mere mention of title is a punch line proves how truely pathetic it is. I was once a proud genre, Hollywood. What are you doing to me?

I am a great genre and very self contained if you let me be. You don’t have to make me a satire. Scream was a satire 12 years ago and they made a satire of that with Scary Movie 8 years ago. If that doesn’t shout “played out” I don’t know what does. People want me back. Look at the film Hatchet, the way it was marketed proves that people want me to enter the new millenium. They don’t want C-Grade comedy and parody. Give it to them. 

People will come, but they want old school slashers. They want throat slashings and blood, Savini style.They want the humanity taken away from the killer either through masks or from limited camera time. They want the victims to pay for their sins, these kids need to be drinking, smoking and having sex like they are asking to be killed.  They want victims who are killed from set pieces and creatively. They want open ended and twist endings (think Sleepaway Camp!). What was once good can be again, Hollywood. People will most definitely come.

Signed,

The Slasher Film

P.S. Keep Kane Hodder out of my films