Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, Michael Myers, Leatherface, Pinhead and the Leprechaun (they took pity on the lonely bastard) are all swimming in the ocean during a beautiful day at the beach.

*Jaws music in the background*

But something lurks below them in the water, something unstoppable, something powerful and something dangerous to all these iconic horror characters.

Jason splashes Freddy and says, “That’s for cutting my arm off last time we killed together”, Freddy cries as the salt water stings his eyes and with that everyone starts splashing each other. It was a joyous frolicking good time at the beach and this swim would be the last thing the “Ghoul Gang” did before heading home.

*Jaws music in the background*

Suddenly, from the darkness below, a large beast rises under the group, attacking with tearing bites, “OoOoOoH! IT’S BITTEN ME PRETTY BOOTS OFF!!!” screams the Leprechaun. Jason, Freddy, Leatherface & Pinhead all scream with terror (we should just assume Michael was scared but too worried about his reputation to make a noise), as blood turns the water around them red. Viscously the beast hidden under the water bites and hacks at their submerged limbs with terrifying power.

Suddenly the mysterious animal rises above the sea, attacking with sharp, brutal blows. Freddy, bloodied and near death, weakly looks up at the animal in complete bewilderment. He speaks loud and for the last time, “Take one last look around boys, because we’re all fucked!”. A gigantic PG rating lunges down on top of them, swallowing the group whole. The unholy beast grows bigger and stronger in size with each victim it devours. The PG monster rises above the water, standing taller than the highest skyscraper, lets out a mighty roar and begins its conquest of the world.

Stupid stories aside, the PG rated horror movie is indeed taking over and any hardcore horror fan must sit there, helpless, as this dreaded combination of two letters rapes our favourite genre. Why must studio’s pump out PG rated horror film after PG rated horror film? Is it for money? Is it merciless censorship? Or is it just plain stupidity? My bet’s the green!

**Before this continues any further I should warn the reader that I live in Australia. In Australia we receive about a quarter of the films for cinematic release that the USA is guaranteed to receive. Eg. We are likely to receive the PG monstrosities and big name releases but none of the much more brilliant indie releases. So let me know if my opinion comes off as biased.**

I’m pretty sure anyone reading this is cash savvy and knows it’s the very thing that makes the world go round. But why must art be compromised so that some CEO of a film studio, who already makes too much, can make a little more on the back of some terrible fucking candy coated film!? Is it too much to ask to just leave one little genre alone for the sick fuck’s who want to enjoy it in its gore & carrion caked integrity? Are studios not making enough profit with all the huge blockbuster releases, chock full of CGI and all the other whiz-bang frills that the kiddies love, to just leave some of the smaller genres alone. It’s general knowledge that a genre such as horror contains a hardcore fan base and any wrong doings can cause extreme fan backlash. So, why fucking do it? Just make the movie the way the genre is intended - bloody and fucking brutal but still with a sense of intelligence & fun.

Unfortunately the studio’s would have you believe they’re living on bread and water, so each film needs MAXIMUM ticket sales, even if it means chopping so much of the film out, that it has lost it’s initial intent. This is not an essential process; this is a process of fucking GREEEEEEEEED. What hurts even more, is now they’re taking once classic horror films, remaking them and churning them out in wretched PG rated glory.

Hands up, how many hardcore horror fans liked the remake of When a Stranger Calls?? (Looks around) Hmmm… only a couple of hands. Okay then, hands up who of us liked the remake of Prom Night?? (Looks around) Hmmm… not many, that’s a shame; Prom Night alone cost $20,000,000 to make. Oh, but it made double that in ticket sales, so it’s worth it. Let’s not mention it’s an uninspired, shit-fest full of cardboard cut out stereotype people, who don’t know how to act, who’s main role is to really just look beautiful. All this leads to more anti-acne cream sales and lots of ticket sales because all the girls looking forward to their prom this year can “like totally” check this film out. Let’s not mention that it barely holds it’s own up against the original that was made nearly 3 decades before it! WHAT’S THE POOOIINT!?!?

20 MILLION DOLLARS – think what some other great directors could have done with that. Being a personal fan of Hatchet & Spiral, think what Adam Green could have done with that money. Think what any great indie director could have done with that much money! AUUURRGHHHH!!!

*calms down*

I used to get angry when it was announced that a new remake is on its way but in a PG format. Now I just smile, knowing it’s making millions but being glad I’m one of the smart fuckers who - a.) has a reliable knowledge of the original; b.) has enough common sense not to be “one of the herd” in the cinemas watching it and c.) is sneakily watching some new underground horror masterpiece while the cinema going sheep flock to all the shit for the higher prices! But that’s what makes us horror fans the fucking people we are, yes? We have standards and levels of satisfaction that MUST be met!

I find it sad how much society has fallen apart. Not just in morals but in pure common sense and intelligence. Now I’m no smart cookie, biological laws disobey me being smart. Too many dead brain cells thanks to all the weed and alcohol I’ve had in my time. But I look at film box office results and worry my balls off about how dumb people have become! Moving away from the horror topic, but how the fuck does Meet the Spartans make THAT much money!?! WHY ARE PEOPLE WATCHING AND SUPPORTING THIS SHIT! “HA HA HA! Oh look! It’s just like 300 but Britney Spears is in it – you know – THE SINGER!? I know of her! HA HA HA!” Fuck, it’s scary.

Back to topic, PG ratings in horror are not always a bad thing. Hey, sometimes a film just simply doesn’t have to be all that violent to be a thrilling horror title. But this is only in the case of a superbly well made film with brilliant acting and with a real story. Not a story written around the purpose of making money, but a story that somebody wanted to tell to scare the fuck out of us. When I say PG rated movies in a bad sense, I’m talking generally about low violence, made for teeny-bopper horror movies. Movies that focus on a relationship between a boy and a girl for far longer than any type of “stalker” or “killings” going on. Films that care more about how good looking the cast is than how well they actually can act. Films that are willing to totally be against what we the horror fans are after in almost every way. Movies that have some of the most unbelievably stupid story lines, huge plot holes and ridiculous dialogue you’ve ever heard, because the intention was, “It’s made for them st00pid kids anyhow, they don’t care – *deep roar* MONEYYYYY!!! NOM NOM NOM!!!”. I have one thing to say to such lazy negligence:

Fuck you.

It doesn’t help when you have some of the more violent horror films flopping at the box office, eg. Hostel 2 & Grindhouse. I don’t know exactly why Grindhouse didn’t do well as we only received Death Proof (despite Planet Terror being much better, we got the one by the big celebrity, Mr. Tarantino, of course) in the cinemas over here. But I can only assume that 4 hours is too much for most people to be sitting in a cinema with those uncomfortable fucking seats. So there’s a loss in profit and panic sets in immediately at the thought of losing a little cash. So other studios watch and supposedly learn. There’s not enough chances being taken by these assholes anymore and in the long run we’re missing out. Grindhouse was an experimental movie for our time of short attention spans and I-want-it-all-now age of technology and it failed – so what, it was too fucking long, try again and don’t cash in on the easier, sneakier option. But if there were any artistic people behind these studio names, it would not discourage them from pushing forward and they would still be trying to release movies intended for a more mature target audience. At least it would give them something that I respect a lot more than mounds of fucking cash and that’s integrity & artistic pride.

I conclude this rant begging for some sanity in the horror genre. Stop this foolish attack of the PG and let horror be what it once was. Give it back its timeless characters, give it back its litres of red and give it back its fresh, interesting storylines.

Blockbusters are there for the money, this is a small and simple genre, asking not for much and giving so much! Countless remakes are in the works right now and it’s to be assumed most will be gore ridden PG releases. I most certainly wont be seeing them in the cinemas, I assure you, but if we’re lucky they’ll release an UNRATED version with 2 extra seconds of blood splattered on a wall, so all of us can watch it at home on DVD, for an extra 5 bucks of course

-The Bludgeoner