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 | (Reviewed by MarcoBeltrami) - After sitting on
a shelf for a couple years, the movie was finally released. With a budget of
14 million dollars, and 9 million spent on advertising, the movie flopped
big time at the box office, (made 12.61 million) and I can't say I'm sad.
They wait years since Jason Goes to Hell to make another Jason movie, and
they fucked it, but lied to the world saying that it was the best one yet,
just repeatedly in interviews saying how spectacular it was. They deserve a
flop for lying to the fans, and I used to be one, a long time ago. Since
Jason was sent to Hell forever in part 9, they don't bother with an
explaination for how he is back, they just move it to the future. The
opening scene was great, nice camera work on the introduction shots on
Jason, great atmosphere, I thought "Wow! They might've put some effort
into this one!" And so it went on. At the point where the guards take
the rag off his head and its not Jason (no surprise) it got real cool.
Jason, with such power, slammed the shit out of one of the guards, then got
shot up a little, took a chain, whipped it around one of their necks, and
then with his other arm beats another guard with a pole, then with the pole
hits the feet out from under the guard with the chain around his neck, and
pulls while he is in midair, breaking his neck. Takes the pole, and throws
it at a fleeing David Cronenberg, impaling him. Beautiful, the best fight
scene in a Friday movie so far. Then it went downhill steadily. When he
chases Rowan, the composer should have been fucking-well shot. Ten movies
and he still doesn't know what he's doing, the music was so calm as he
chased her it killed the mood right then instantly. Then Jason being able to
use a machete to stab through a thick titanium door was laughable.
Don't care how strong you are, it doesn't work that way. Skip ahead couple
hundred years. A team of students find Jason and Rowan frozen. A guy gets
his arm cut off (another lesson in physics the director should've taken,
that would NOT have taken off his arm!!!) and they take both frozen
bodies onto the ship. Rowan is unthawed and her wound is fixed (another
terrible part, after the whole crew knows she is onboard, and was wounded,
but is healed, a black guy has Jason's machete, and she asks where he got
it, he answers "Your friend with the hockey mask"... Yes my
friend, the one who was holding a blood covered machete and I have a fucking
hole in my stomach! My friend???) Jason unthaws on his own and in the only
other cool death in the movie just uses nothing but brute force in an
awesomely evil attack, and crushes someones head. From there the movie
became worse than I ever imagined was possible, for no one goes to these
movies for scares, comedy, plot, acting, or plausibility... you watch them
for fucking brutal deaths at the hands of a terrifyingly immortal killer.
Okay and some of you losers watch them for tits, but thats a whole
other story. Well most of the deaths in this movie happen offscreen. It was
terrible. I never thought I'd see the day that a Friday the 13th movie has
so little gore. Moving on--Jason gets killed finally, and turned into "Uber
Jason" which in itself was blown out of proportion and hyped to death.
Uber Jason doesn't kill a single person!! He takes out a couple holograms,
and thats all. What the fuck was the point? And the deaths of the hologram
were laughable, almost enough to cry. I looked forward to that scene the
whole movie, because I figured it was a recreation of a cool death from one
of the earlier ones, and that with nowadays technology it would be
splatterific. It was ridiculous. So Uber goes after Rowan and they get away
in an escape pod, while Brodski--the head of security--and Jason go at it.
Just before they reach each other the ship blows with them inside. Yet
somehow Jason lives, which sure thats fine. But Brodski was IN the
ship when it blew, then he somehow is outside, with not even a tear in his
spacesuit. Don't ask. So Jason by sheer coincidence flys out of the
explosion right at the ship Rowan and some other guy are in. I never laughed
so hard in all my life. "He's coming this way" I nearly pissed
myself! Brodski jets into him just before Jason reaches them, and flys into
a planet's atmosphere holding onto Jason. I do not care if you are Uber or
what the hell you are, you cannot, simply cannot survive entering the
atmosphere, you burn up. But he did survive, so sad. Well thats about it,
aside of course from the explosions in outer space (someone explain to the
director that its not possible? Flat out not, and if it was an
explosion would be perfectly spherical. Fuckin Jason Isaac. Can't forget to
mention that Jason depressurizes one of the ships rooms, and a girl gets
sucked out into space. They close the door, and repressurize the room they
are in. So why when Jason knocks down that door and several others along the
way do the rooms not depressurize? Oh well. Don't support this movie. They
fucked the Friday the 13th fans up the ass: making them wait that long for a
Jason movie and cranking out this piece of shit... Just watch Alien 1-4
(especially Ressurection). From beginning to end its the same movie anyway.
2/10 |
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